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Reflections from a series of e-dialogues
RONDA to QU: “I want to acknowledge something you emailed last week: You said:
‘I had come to think my stock market losses were about faith – radical faith in trusting I am held in the hands of God. Wrong! It’s about letting go of identification with achievement, just one more strategy of the ego to shore up its illusory nature…… and as you say it will grasp at anything, even making Awakening its new persona…’
There, in what you just spoke of seeing, is exactly the level of awareness that is demanded (and so difficult to sustain) in order to know one’s True Self. Most of us (most of the time) however, back off that one step by staying at this (close but) fatal mis-take: –i.e., by arriving at, and then grasping at the “belief” that it’s all about demonstrating radical faith – whereas that too, is a subtle and desperate attempt at solace and security for the identity.
There is a level at which faith is called for (but NOT as a belief structure used to stave off fear.) The kind of faith that is called for is quite a different meaning of that word (making me hesitate to even use the word faith, but I’ve found no other yet….)
I think that we’re called to see (to be come aware of) all our incessant and continual ploys of ego-identity to maintain its illusion of control, of security — AND in the mere seeing, they lose their power, lose their credibility.
Resting in “faith” as a belief that God is collaborating with our identities and helping us shore them up (such as your example with your day trading difficulties as a testing of faith) is still ego-identified, fear-based, and an attempt to feign control (as you saw and say above)! This is one of the most difficult layers of subtlety to see, because then one feels truly cast into the wide open waters.
So for me (at this juncture anyway) if I say I have faith in Life/God, I certainly do not (any longer) mean in its intelligent intervention to sustaining/protecting “my ideas” about how my life should go, who or what I become, etc. I can only mean by my use of the word faith, that I surrender my life into Life’s greater mystery and its intelligence — not that it will match or sustain my wishes or desires. It might at times – but not out of my superstitious (fear-based) proclamation of faith – used to try and “good will” God/Life into protecting me… (See what I’m saying?)
This lands me in a place that could be interpreted to feel void of God, void of meaning… It seems void because it is not made up of our typical shrouds of superstitious fear-based beliefs. It sees through that structure. It is incredibly empty. Almost unbearably empty – very hard to stay with.
Yet I feel (once the grieving for the “loss of manufactured belief” is accepted) that the emptiness becomes the stillness in which all that is and ever will be resides as pure living consciousness — or as the abundance of infinite potential (as Chopra puts it). This is our truer home. And from this place is it possible to move through life in simple “spontaneous right action” (again a Chopra concept I have a deep appreciation for).
The only true place to rest one’s faith – is in the deep emptiness in which all of life arises in the creative moment of now.
Here’s an interesting question along the lines of this contemplation of faith: You mentioned in a previous email some sadness at your father’s quality of life. Is there some intended deep meaning, or “test of faith” do you think, in your sadness over your father’s quality of life? I don’t think so = at least not in the sense of something coinciding a desired outcome like “if I only had faith, I could heal him.”
But that is not to say, on the other hand that if one chooses to live in awareness (to be fully alive – or what I’ve called a mystic) that there isn’t a deep meaning to come from this experience with your father. It’s like my vertigo or your day trading. These things could be experienced as just scary incidences that we try our best to mitigate, control and on we go with life …or they could be taken up as a mirror for continued inner awakening. There is always an invitation – and how we choose to focus our attention is how we respond to the invitation.
For example, if I grab too quickly at a meaning for this experience with my father (or any other uncomfortable incident), then I’ve just grasped out of fear and a need to control even though it could “look”/”seem” spiritually-focused. Many often seem to make this mistake of jumping too quickly to a “spiritual meaning” of an incident. They grasp too quickly – even (and especially) for a spiritual meaning – Isn’t this just another form of identification?
On the other hand, if we don’t look for meaning at all we can fail to know our own inner depths of being — or worse, live life merely as a victim to outside forces.
So what’s the balance?
If I can move with the experience: sit focused on Divine Intelligence but within a receptive quality of “not knowing”/not understanding, then revelation can emerge from the ground of emptiness, and true deep meaning can unfold.
…I think (as I just now write this and let it come into my own consciousness by way of trying to express something that is not of words) that this is somewhat closer to the true meaning of faith….”
- Come find out for yourself: that there is no greater journey than your own...