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The Holy-Whole Mystery of Passion, Love, Loss and New Portals
When the heart breaks open, the miracle of healing is close at hand…
This past summer and fall was a very challenging — and miraculously healing — time in my life. My teaching, and what wisdom comes through me, has always come the hard way: I’ve had to “earn it” by diving into all kinds of life issues …and then learning how to grow in deeper perception and conscious awareness from the angst I created for myself!
I am truly my own laboratory of 1 in many ways! I have learned that my role as teacher and guide is only as potentized as the extent that I remain vulnerably present to the heart of real life; my own shortcomings and blind spots; and the stuff that most matters: love; open-heartedness; vulnerable honesty; truthful courage; a love affair with the Divine Mystery; and staying present to ALL of life, ever-unfolding…
A whole new field of possibility and healing occurred in my life these past few months. And it occurred when my heart was broken wide open, in (perhaps) the only way it could have ever happened: through the mystery of reconnecting with a man I fell in “madly in love with” as an young adult. and had not seen since… You might imagine what this stirred up, meeting decades later, both having been through marriage, divorce, health issues, and all the various things that life presents.
To say I was thrown into a spinning of old buried emotions, sorrow over long lost opportunities, an awakening of huge joy and passion, and many confusing questions of love, fantasy, passion, infatuation, responsibility, true love …and how to walk the path of sacred relationship with honest vulnerability and integrity — and hopefully a shred of wisdom — is an understatement. …I was totally blown out of my quiet pond and into a mind body spirit tsunami.
This reconnection with a man whom I had loved and lost early in our adulthood, when we still might have had a family together, hit me in the heart with palpable waves and tears I had not been able to find or shed my entire adult life. I was blown wide open to a level of heart I had not even known had become closed over the course of 24 years of living life.
Meanwhile, the relationship with my partner, Matt, these past 7 years was thrown abruptly into a chasm of question, deep pain, confusion of head vs. heart, and the tender call to walk in this vulnerable unknowing place together with compassion and trust in the path unwinding – wherever it led.
Without knowing it was coming, we were suddenly broadsided into a crash course on the art of wisdom, the path of heart, and a deepening discernment between the egoic story-telling self-justifying mind, and a deeper availability for trusting and engaging this new path with as much non-judgement, tenderness, truth, and honesty as we could muster — step by step by step.
Affairs of the heart raise some tough questions — and some poignant opportunities to grow in greater capacity for staying present, available to new levels of communion, as well as opening the door to new healing breakthrough from old patterns and seductively false thought patterns.
For example, look at these 2 questions with me: Is there ever a “right reason” to be less than honest at the core, or to withhold truth from a partner? Is it ever justifiable to withhold from honest sharing of the heart’s truth “in order to protect” the partner? …That’s a very very slippery slope.
For me, the answer has become more clarified through living in this question in real life. For me, No, it is never right to withhold being vulnerably honest with a partner “for their sake”. I don’t believe we have the right to make that decision on someone’s behalf (and I was confronted with a very good “life/death” scenario to justify doing just that).
For me, this question of responsibility and faithfulness to love really asks something much more of us than preserving physical life or well-being: It asks of us a faithfulness to the very deepest core of honest communion and soul-to-soul trust.
We’ve all heard the phrase: “God works in mysterious ways”. There is a mystical seeing underneath this more cliche phrase. It points to this:
How can we presume to know what Life’s own genius and mystery is using to bring about healing in self and other? Transformation and awakening require a falling into the arms of Grace and a surrendering into the unknown mystery of karmic relationship and the ever-unfolding creative evolution of God-consciousness.
(This reminds me of the Zen story of a monk who, with each “good and bad” next event in his life (and as onlookers either moan or celebrate each circumstance in turn) simply remarks “is that so?” and watches the miracle of truth weaving it’s way through his living tapestry.)
If I am to err (as I surely am) I would pray I err on the side of courageous non-withholding and surrender to God’s way, over the endlessly-clever and convincing pitfalls of the self-protective mind. It is far far too easy to believe one is being noble, mindfully discerning, and judiciously prudent, when in fact the withholding reflects a lack of steadiness within one’s own emotional/mental/spiritual capacity to communicate from the real depths of soul.
In my experience, soul-to-soul honesty, offered in loving respect for and awareness of one’s own vulnerable unknowing, has a power to transcend, transform, and heal patterns in self and other in ways that are utterly mysterious and miraculous – and which the thinking-tinkering mind could never imagine nor hope to manufacture.
In my personal story this is exactly what I experienced and watched unfold: What most of society would call a betrayal, an affair, and the killing of trust in relationship, in fact became the very light that was needed to transform old stuck patterns and realign a brand new depth of field in conscious loving relationship. What a miracle!
When the heart breaks open, the miracle of healing is close at hand …if we but learn the art of conscious seeing and heartfelt honoring…
~ ~ ~
As those who have worked with me know, I teach a process of personal transformation and conscious awakening through real life daily struggles, met as “worthy teachers”. I teach a way of finding and following the healing wisdom that is presented within real life circumstances and challenges. The process is shamanic in nature in that it steps beyond the egoic mind or traditional “analytically-based psycho talk-therapy” and into the field of life’s emerging creative genius and mystery.
This SoulArts Process is simply a way I have created to engage in active meditation and insight during the living of real life – and for the purpose of greater conscious presence and authentic being. It is a way of drawing out a symbolic reflection of ones inner experience in order to help stimulate new insight, revelation, healing, and wisdom.
The process itself opens the doorway for deeper self-realization and the ability to step into an emerging new level of perception and wholeness in ones daily life. The process offers a direct mind/body/spirit integrated experience of insight. That is why it is so powerful and life transforming! – It moves right past the seductive blocks and blind spots of the ego-self and into a direct experience of life’s true creative genius, spiritual wisdom, and mysterious synergy …And the process is simple, playful, creatively-engaging, endlessly-surprising, and profoundly healing.
Here then, is my own vulnerable – SoulArts Process – invoked here to honor and enter into the mystery of love, passion, longing, surrender, loss …and the new doorways of insight and wisdom yet to be realized from this personal affair of the heart…
I invite you to engage this, my own personal sharing of the SoulArts Process, as a means of inquiry into the places in your own life where issues around intimacy in relationship may be offering itself to you as “worthy teacher”.
~ ~ ~
….As for the man I had deeply loved and lost 2 decades ago, and with whom I reconnected this last summer? Well, I’m saddened and frankly pissed at the moment, but that’s another branch of this love story. I still love this person and always will. That is simply the truth of the matter.
The video poem I have posted below, is an honoring, healing reflection of that love story, given over to Life and however this story continues to evolve and teach us each the lessons of love.
May love’s mystery open you to the precious gift of vulnerable humility, honest integrity, and the capacity to love from a holy place.
I look forward to hearing your thoughtful reflections.
A Celtic Love Story – a reflection of my own path unwinding this last year through the doorway of passion and the heart’s own mysterious ways of awakening. (Photos during my personal experience at The Abode Sufi Center; New Lebanon, New York; August 2011)
- Come find out for yourself: that there is no greater journey than your own...